With a heavy soul she still pray's for better days

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2020 everyone just knew that year was going to be start of great things... As did I. But it wasn't it was the start of death sickness hate hurt addiction well for my life it was. The first month in the year the woman that raised me my grandma past away next month having my kids stay with there godmother as i lived in my car to get out of a toxic relationship of 5 years  but still working and seeing my kids everyday then next month lost myself everything i felt that gave me reason and made me what i was mother grandkid soon to be wife amazing friend. GONE it felt like. I had become single working all time mother not seeing my kids alot always tired . To a single working drop by sometime meth smoking living in my car half ass woman / mother. Then I got some help and a great place Circle of Hope helped me so much as the year went on . Then the man I married July 4 2020 come into our lifes. LIfe was what I always knew I could have . A real not toxic family life all the way down to the kids cat. Well things with me started not being right . My moods the hate and the pain in my body. What was happen Yes i had some health issues but not like this . Its cause my husband to stay in the shop when he gets home from work now my kids are leaving one by one .Oh no not again i cant lose it all again . Then BAM I start forgetting things daily my short term memory leaving then its becomes hard for me to even move my body hurts so bad . Welcome to MS . ok ok so theres another word  on my medical history. 2021 It's the year we are doing. Nope wake up one morning looking out the back door seeing police and EMT down at my in laws . My sister-inlaw just past away.  Then my cousin like a sister out of the blue passes away not long i stop at a four way stop never seen a car to my right after i stop i go forward total my car. They say its my fault for not yielding after stopping at stop sign . WHAT .. why should i ya what ever. the year goes on other issues in this was a happy home has gotten the best of my husband losing both women that has always been there so fast so close together and trying to deal by always working staying busy.  loses himself on top of extra stress coming my mother and younger brother had no place to go. Well weeks turned to a year , Two family's no not good idea no matter what . Still hurting over the passing of his sister and mother on top caring for his dad as well as for me and my extras now . The more the house done feel like home are ours anymore mother in livingroom on one side my brother on the other feeling like burdens in our own home . So now we have become he is in his shop most the time if not at his dads are working his job are in the yard after long at work me in my she shed are working in the yard so he want have so much to do when he gets home . so i think nope that adds more stress cause my health is not getting better and he feels less of a man cause he feels he cant get everything done on top of doing his DUI classes and staying on top of his dates for probation on top of his work schedule his dads doctor appointment and him the only one that can drive due to my mom no licenses i had six month seziure free before i can drive  . " THERE JUST AIN'T ENOUGH TIME IN THE DAY ANYMORE" I seen it in his eyes he is done its killing him stress and worry is really killing him .So i say babe lets just take one weekend and just go get away for the day just us no time to be no where are time to be home nothing to do but shower and lay down when we do get home. what do you say . We agree since we didn't do nothing for our anniversary of the 4th July We would go July 30 his mother first birthday gone. Well it was a great day even tho what day it was cause we was out doing us going to flea markets yes thinking of his mom when we see things but in a happy good way. The day was great coming to a end on the ride home i feel fine everythings great. I say babe lets stop by Wal-mart pick up a few things and check out the discount stuff. lol . Well he was tired from all the walking and all so he said go ahead babe i will be fine . See ya when you get out . Becareful and kinda hurry lol dont spend all the money on the discount stuff.lol I walk in  to Wal-mart I recall walking to the discount stuff . Thats it then it felt like forever goes by and I'm in and out to seeing people outside as a man is pushing a needle in my arm i fall out again and i guess hours later i text my husband and my three kids saying i hurt myself bad next text to them all is HELP. I come to two days later i say that cause i dont remember the rest of that day and the next day nothing . But now due to my limits and things my husband has had to finish his probation in jail which the judge gave him 49 days. that was Aug 31 i think. he was the glue and the strong one . Going from everything is good to oh lord the powers off due to having prepaid power no extra cash and cause we was always dealing with sickness and him always working theres no call on friends we all lost touch two years ago as we are losing what little we have . No car since he isn't at work cant use work car no pay check coming in since he been gone. What i try and sell on facebook the money he want have any of it tells me put it on power keep the dog and cat feed and save whats left just in case i have to some place have to pay someone for gas. I love him so much . But i hate that he is there. But ive always been told close mouth dont get feed. How can you ask god why aint he helping. Well cause i wasnt asking . I was afraid of judgement and feeling lord theres someone out there worse then us right now that could be helping them selfs when they need it more. And just as i said that i hear dont hinder my childs blessing for he knows what kinda god he serves.

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