I am raising money for my move. I am moving away from my home and leaving everything I know to start fresh in North Carolina where I can start sharing my story and help others without fear of retaliation from my ex.
Hi to those reading this,
I'd like to start off by saying the obvious. I never thought I would be writing something like this. I was always raised to be an independent person and never to ask for help, and only now am I realizing it is sometimes okay. On the 26th of October, I am moving from Wisconsin, my family, friends, cats, and life. I am going to North Carolina. My friend is helping me with my fresh start. I have job interviews, a place that I can hopefully afford by the time I move, and a new sense of hope.
The beginning of the end of my time in Wisconsin starts here (and forgive me for my style of writing, I have always been more of a poet): 8 months ago, or 37 weeks ago, even 261 days ago if you prefer, I met my ex. I had been in a very bad mental state, going through a very traumatic time right before, and he saw me as vulnerable. However, for the sake of this story, I will save my hindsight for the end. He was perfect: everything I could ever want in a person. He always said the right thing, and even when he didn't, he said the right thing to calm me down. He said I love you before we even met. He suggested we meet, even though he was an hour away. He took an uber home, $75, after our meeting because he couldn't get a ride. He was perfect. He loved my flaws, every single part of me.
7 months ago, I met his mother and father. It went to hell. She caught us in the act (if you know what I mean), I had a panic attack while she was yelling at him, walked out for a bit, and then she kicked me out and took me home, 4 days early. That was the start of our bad relationship.I loved my blonde and brown ombre hair, but he said I would look better with blue. Soon my hair was blue as a surprise for him. He always told me he liked emo girls. I was not emo. I loved dresses and pink and floral. Soon though, I started wearing jeans and t shirts, dressing down. I was getting comfortable of course. Leggings who? Jeans were in and dresses, my beloved dresses, were out.
6 months ago was his birthday. I came up for the week. I bought us a hotel for three nights then we were gonna go to his dorm for three nights. His birthday was a Thursday. It was his 21st, a big one. His mother was adamant about me not seeing him on that day, but of course we saw each other. He even invited me to meet his friends at his party, telling me he didn't want to go to the bars and leave me alone with the men I didn't now, as I have a fear of men I don't know, and he got me drunk. We were both drunk when he told me he was going to the bars. Told me I was ruining me his birthday when I told him he promised he wasn't going to leave me alone. He threw his phone, I cried, and left back to the hotel. His friends ditched him at the bar, and he was left to walk the mile back to the hotel alone and drunk. I ran out in his shirt and shorts to go get him a half mile away, he was so drunk and falling over in the construction zone in between the bar and hotel. When we got back he called his mom saying I saved him, and when she talked to me to make sure he was safe, I mentioned my apologies for him calling at 3am. She yelled at me. His brother was mad the next morning because when he called at 9am I answered and mentioned my ex was asleep and probably would wake up later, didn't want to disturb him after the night, and told him I would make sure he would call back, but he brother snapped at me to wake him up.
5 months ago we went to a concert for my favorite singer, to which he made me leave 2 songs in because of his sensory issues, which I understand, but he didn't mention he had them when I suggested we go.
4 months ago he started coming to my house cleaning gigs I had as he was a cleaner himself and he told me how my bosses liked him more than me, would only do tasks he wanted, but would tell me which ones he would do and which I would, taking control.
3 months ago I moved in with him into his college dorm because my mom had threatened to kick me out because I kept leaving randomly to see him and he told me to cut them off. They hated me, didn't they? He loved me and they didn't. No one would love me like him.
3 months ago he told me he had a r*pe fantasy, and when I had to go with it because he was the only one who would ever love me, he actually r*ped me. He didn't stop at the safe word. He used excuses until I pushed him off. Then he told me he knew I couldn't handle it and if I couldn't handle it he couldn't be with me. We tried again, to the same result. Him spanking me. Me screaming and crying in pain yelling no and the safe word. Him still not stopping, not caring, still going, still hitting. He thought it was sexy to tell me I deserved to be punished. I used to self harm for that reason. I told him to stop. He didn't care, didn't stop, never stopped. He slapped me during it so hard that my ears rang and I saw white, never stopping, never caring when I asked him not to or yelped and said please no. Not caring about me, he never cared about me. He said he would rather have one of my good friends as his girlfriend, but she didn't want kids so he wouldn't go for her. He tried so many times to leave me, I was scared of losing the one who made me believe no one else loved me, but when I said okay, he would cry and say he didn't to lose me and he wanted me back and my foolish self thought he would change. But then we would fight again, he would say everything he knew would hurt most, and then when his words calling me worthless worked less, he hit to keep his power over me.
2 months ago, he broke up with me. I was crying out of fear of losing the only one who loved me, the B.S. he made me believe. I was relieved. I was scared. I was ecstatic at the idea of it being over. Scared out of my mind I had almost cut my mother, my sister, my baby cousins who are the light of my life, out. I left my friends for those he approved of. I was left alone.
2 months ago I reported him to the police. The classic he said she said case. They let me in on some abusive behavior that I couldn't even see. Every single thing right is not normal. He had an abusive father and a controlling and abusive mother. He was raised in a household where all he learned was how to take advantage of people. He was disabled, yes. He used that to get SSI because in his OWN words: if people who don't deserve it get it, why shouldn't I, it is free money.
2 months ago I got in contact with my friend, who I am moving to North Carolina for their help. He stayed with me through every nightmare since, every panic attack, every single moment where I pushed him away because my ex's words of me being not good enough fell out of my mouth and ran through my head.
I can do it. I am scared of being where he knows I am. I am scared of the idea of seeing him again, of pressing charges and knowing I am going to fail. Of no one believing me. Of everyone telling me I am lying that I am "just trying to get revenge." Yes, that is what the police said when I reported, and I just can't do it. I was molded into what he wanted. I was manipulated into who he needed me to be. He created his perfect girlfriend until I hit my limit and he left me to pick up the pieces of the mess he made of the person I used to be. I usually don't ask for help, but this time, I am because I need it, and I am sorry.
Liv (ready to live)
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