I am raising money to rebuild my life. All my life I have endured discrimination, bullying, rejection, and cruelty because of my disabilities. I never had friendship. I became essentially homeless in October 2020.
My name is Roman Celeste. I have launched this GoFundMe Campaign because I need a miracle in my life.
Beginning in October 2020, I found myself essentially homeless. I refused to find myself on the living streets during Winter and Covid-19 so I used the last of my money to book a flight out of the United States to stay at very affordable AirBnBs. I was essentially forced out of America into exile and I am really only delaying the inevitable homeless that awaits me in the near future.
I want to begin by saying who I am and the things that have impacted my life.
I have a severe speech impediment (stammering), extreme social anxiety as a result of extreme bullying (by children and even teachers), PTSD because of the extreme bullying, extreme OCD brought on by all the trauma and emotional distress. I have never had a friend and that has left me lacking any social skills making me unable to successfully interact with other people. I have never had a real job and the countless times I applied to jobs, I was declined for all of them including for the lowest level jobs possible such as part-time retail work during Black Friday or a part-time cleaning (janitorial) job at the public university from which I graduated.
I did everything right and I did everything that people are told since children: stay in school, get good grades, graduate from university, and then the promise of a good job at the end of it all. I graduated from university with a 3.74 GPA in 2014 with a degree in Business Administration.
I can sincerely say that I never had a real job in my entire life. The only two jobs that I have ever had were a summer job in-between the time I graduated high school and starting my first year of college, and all I did in that job was push carts. The other was a temporary contract job that I didn't actually get on my own but was given to me as a favor to a parent. The latter had terrible working conditions (like terrible air quality that made me physically ill and the building had issues with rats).
Every job that I have ever tried to obtain on my own, no matter whether it was low-paying minimum wage part-time employment or a real entry-level position at a company that could lead to a career was unobtainable because employers always rejected me. Employers never even had the courtesy or decency to send a rejection notice and the few times one did, it was just automated and impersonal and weeks after they had filled the position. Employers rarely gave me a reason for rejecting me but I knew the main reason and all the other cruel reasons. A few times there were a regular workers at a few places at which I had applied who told me that my speech impediment was mainly why I was rejected for the minimum wage part-time employment which couldn't ever lead to a career but I was looking for employment regardless of what it was. My stammer has always been the most significant reason why I have always been rejected by employers . My stammer is also the most significant reason why I have always been rejected for friendship, relationships, and never accepted in American society.
I have been marginalized, bullied, dehumanized, experienced many acts of cruelty, and I have suffered greatly. I have endured more torment than most people can ever begin to imagine. I have been emotionally scarred by all the torment that I have endured and it has truly damaged my psyche. How could my psyche not be damaged after experiencing so much cruelty and torment from almost all the cruel people I have encountered throughout my entire life?
I have always been told through both the words and the actions of others, whether the others be people or employers in the United States that "I am not worth it" and "I am not good enough" and "I am not worth being part of American society." Essentially, they were all as a collective telling me "I should not exist" and "I do not deserve to live." Those are some of the many messages I have been told by people and employers in America.
While I have refused to accept all the terrible things that I have constantly been told by others in the United States, I have acknowledged that I cannot change the opinions of others. If others, whether they be people or employers, are unwilling to look at the deeper value of a person, such as myself, then they never will change their opinion because they are blind to acknowledging the facts that all human beings are worth it, all human beings are good enough, and human beings deserve to belong.
Despite all the suffering and torment that I have endured all my life, I refused to break and I refuse to give up. I always wanted to prove to all who tormented me, bullied me, hurt me, rejected me, and marginalized me that they were wrong and that if I was successful then it would show them all that they were wrong. It would prove to all the countless people who tormented me and all the many employers that rejected me that they were wrong to do so. I always wanted to prove to others and to society that I am worth it, I am good enough, and that any society should feel lucky to have me within it. I haven't been able to be successful but I have been able to prove that I will not be broken, at least not completely, since metaphorically, I am like the Japanese art of Kintsugi.
Since I have never had friends or experienced friendship in my life, I have almost no social skills because I was never able to develop them because I was always denied the opportunity to develop them because I was rejected. Social skills come from social interaction, and to be more specific, positive social interactions where people experience acceptance, friendship, love, and respect given to them by friends, kind people, and society as a collective. I could not develop social skills because I was not given the social opportunities most people in the world likely take for granted and assume everyone experiences. I have not experienced friendship, love, or acceptance in America where I have lived my entire life until being forced to abruptly flee to avoid homelessness.
I am essentially unemployable because of my disabilities, my lack of social skills, having no employment history because potential employers were never willing to give me a chance, my short stature, and because I previously had an impossible to pronounce non-European legal name which all throughout my life received great discrimination and prejudice from both people and potential employers. My former legal name made me a target since I was a child in elementary school and it persisted my entire life until I dropped that terrible name. It is terrible because of all the hurt and unacceptable I faced by having it, and how my name had been darkened with hurt and forever stained with the malice that others always cast upon it...
I had a legal name change in 2018 to reflect the European side of my identity and correct one of the only things I could fix about myself. That is when I selected my current name: Roman A. Celeste. I could finally be proud of myself and have a noble sounding name. A name that inspires greatness. A name has power and a name is a symbol. A name is never just a name. Since I was a teenage, I had wanted to get rid of a terrible name that held me back but my parents did not understand or ever want to understand. They didn't ever take the time to actually understand me or talk to me to really get to know me. They, my parents, just like the rest of my family and relatives, never truly knew me at all. They only thought they knew me and if they knew anything, it was only the superficial me. They never wanted to know the genuine and true me, which all of you reading this, will see more of me than they ever truly wanted to know or understand.
Despite my name change and finally having a better name that almost everyone in the world could pronounce without any trouble saying my new name correctly, I was still financially trapped in poverty in the state with the worst economy in the United States: Rhode Island.
I could never leave Rhode Island for a state with a better economy and maybe a marginally better insignificant chance at obtaining decent employment because I could not ever afford to do so on my own because of my poverty and my terrible circumstances in life. I have never had anyone in my life willing or able to help me financially move to another state to try to help me hopefully find employment: neither my parents or my relatives.
There were never any jobs available in Rhode Island because jobs are so scarce and Rhode Island has always had the worst economy in the United States. The Financial Crisis of 2008 really impacted my entire generation's future but it especially impacted my future when one considers all the negative factors and negative circumstances that exist for me as an individual. In addition to the Financial Crisis, there has been mass automation, offshoring, outsourcing, and globalization that has all worked together to greatly reduce both the number of the available jobs and the quantity of quality jobs. My degree in Business Administration is essentially worthless in the post-2008 Financial Crisis world.
I can sincerely say to myself and everyone that I have always done everything right and have always tried my best in life. I know poor people in America get a bad reputation which is undeserved. I have never been an alcoholic, I have never smoked a cigarette in my life, I have never used drugs, and I have never gambled (all stereotypes that in the United States are incorrectly placed upon the poor and the homeless). I have also never been lazy which is another common stereotype that in the United States is incorrectly attributed to the poor.
The truth is that most poor people anywhere in the world are victims of circumstance, bad luck, and the structural economic problems that exist throughout our world in the 21st Century. I know because I am one of the people who has experienced poverty and has now become homeless.
Despite doing everything right in life, in October 2020 I found myself homeless and living in a hotel for a month while I was draining the last of my savings. In an effort to avoid true homeless during winter, I had no choice but to travel out of the United States during this Covid-19 pandemic to find an affordable AirBnB to stay so I could hopefully stop spending what little money I had remaining.
I sold my car to my mother before I left the United States to fund my travel out of the United States to avoid becoming homeless and to fund my AirBnBs. I am in a difficult position because all I did was delay what may be the inevitable true homelessness that awaits me in the future. I bought myself additional time to avoid true homeless but time is running out for me.
There are many things I miss about the United States since I have been forced into exile to avoid homelessness. I have nowhere to call home anymore. I cannot afford a permanent place anywhere in the world. I cannot afford anywhere in the United States which is why I have been forced into exile.
My stammering (speech impediment) mainly makes it difficult for me to speak words. That is called "Blocking" and is sometimes referred to as a silent stammer (or silent stutter). I take Lorazepam to help me manage my extreme anxiety and my stammering, but since I am no longer in the United States I have had to skip days, or entire days which makes me not want to leave my AirBnB, because of my social anxiety will become extremely severe without it and my stammer will become the most severe it could become the longer I miss doses or skip entire days.
I am using a portion of what little savings I have remaining to hopefully try to become an English Foreign Language Teacher. However, with my stammer, it will be a great obstacle and a great barrier to actually do successfully when there are countless other people who can teach English that do not have a stammer and would likely be preferred by all the places that hire English Foreign Language Teachers.
I cannot afford healthcare overseas so once my Lorazepam runs out, my stammer and social anxiety will become much more severe. Since I cannot afford doctors, medicine, and healthcare. Even now, I can only afford AirBnB and food.
If I wasn't both homeless and on the brink of true homelessness, I would have a better chance to rebuild my life. I am truly starting at zero but in truth I was always starting at zero. I am a 4th Generation American on my mother's side and a 1st Generation American on my father's side.
My entire family either can't help me or won't help me, or they cannot give me the help I desperately need to truly build a life for myself in this world which has become more difficult with each new crisis: The Great Financial Crisis of 2008 and now Covid-19. Also, the terrible global effects of automation, outsourcing, jobs leaving the United States and going to nations with cheap labor have all greatly diminished the employment opportunities, especially forms of employment that people can truly call careers. All these crises means a lack of available employment for everyone, but especially for someone like myself, who happens to be a guy with disabilities, especially when one of those disabilities happens to be a severe speech impediment.
At the moment I am staying at an AirBnB in Sofia, Bulgaria because it was really the only place in the world available to me that I could afford without draining all my money during winter and Covid-19. It was also the only place I could go to with all the Covid-19 travel restrictions. It is not permanent and eventually I will have to find a new AirBnB if they continue to be affordable.
Without help, then the "best case" worst case scenario would be a nomadic lifestyle bouncing from country to country to AirBnB to AirBnB, never having a home, security, stability, healthcare, or anything...The worst of the worst case scenarios is that I ultimately find myself truly homeless on the streets somewhere living in the woods and maybe getting a hostel to shower once in awhile.
If I had remained in the United States, then I would presently be experiencing true homelessness at this very moment because my remaining money would have run out by now. Exile, although not the true exile, was my only choice because I refused to find myself homeless and freezing on the streets in the(northeastern) United States during Winter and the Covid-19 pandemic.
I know life is unfair but I do not think that it is too much to ask for that life be a little more fair for people. I am okay with things being challenging but I am not okay with things being impossible. I don't think it is too much to ask that the world be a more caring, kind, and warm place. I don't think it is too much to ask that no one in the world, myself included, to never be deprived of human dignity, to never be deprived of opportunity, and to never be marginalized (especially by their fellow citizens and the society which should have accepted them instead of rejecting them).
I have watched the television show "What Would You Do" where real people in America show other Americans acts of kindness, generosity, and help others but I would always ask myself why no one I encountered during my life in America ever did something like that for me?
In the fictional shows I watch and watched, I would also wish I had friends like the characters had because I never experienced friendship or love. Shows like Once Upon a Time, Vampire Diaries, the Originals, Legacies, and other great shows. Friendship, love, and acceptance are things that all people must experience and need to experience if they ever want to truly experience what it is to be a human.
Almost all the people I have encountered throughout my life in America have tried to break me, they dehumanized me, and they attempted to drive to me suicide many times. I resisted. I never surrender and I will never be defeated because I will always Resist! People in my childhood, my teenage years, and my adult life to the present have all tried to break me, dehumanize me, and attempt to drive me to suicide. None stood up for me, none stood up to the bullies or those who were marginalizing me or discriminating against me, no one reached out a hand of friendship, and I was almost never treated with kindness or respect or given the dignity that I deserve as a human. All humans deserve to be treated with dignity. They did break my self-esteem for a longtime and they weakened my pride for a while, and I have broken countless times but I was never completely broken. I am a metaphorical Kintsugi.
I was depressed for all my childhood, teenage years, and throughout university. I was forced to take antidepressants since I was 11 years old which made my stammer worse and were useless. There is a very big difference between being depressed because of life circumstances and being depressed from a chemical imbalance in the brain. If someone is depressed because they are rejected, marginalized, endure discrimination, endure endless torment, are constantly bullied, dehumanized, never shown kindness or treated with respect, shunned by peers, always passed over by employers, never experiencing friendship, never having a relationship or experiencing love, then there is no human alive in this entire world that could not possibly be depressed and there is no prescription drug that would cure depression caused by all those many terrible, cruel, and unfortunate life circumstances. A person cannot control the actions of other people or things beyond what they are capable of doing alone. No one in my family ever understood that or ever understood me either.
In the Japanese language there is a word specific only to Japanese culture: Kintsugi. Kintsugi is also an art form of repairing broken vases, statues, and other artwork that shows even broken things can be beautiful again when given care and time. I never let all the countless cruel and inhumane people completely take my pride or my self-worth which is why I am still alive. Had I been completely broken, I would not be alive and I wouldn't have been alive for quite awhile. Yet, I only exist, because I never truly had a life. I am essentially like one of the broken vases repaired by Kintsugi...deeply wounded and because I was broken so many times, I am now forever scarred by my past that while time and hopefully friendship, love, and acceptance then maybe I will be able to actually be able to feel like a true human. I know I am a beautiful person despite having been broken, just like a broken vase repaired with Kintsugi is beautiful despite having been broken. I am metaphorically a Kintsugi artwork.
The culmination of all the events of my past is now my homelessness which I have managed to delay because I had to abruptly leave the United States during Covid-19 out to stay at AirBnBs. While not the exact or true definition of exile, I essentially was forced into exile from my country of birth. Am I going to be able to have a home anywhere in the world with my current circumstances? The answer to that is never. Had I remained in the United States, I would have found myself homeless and freezing in winter during the Covid-19 pandemic since what little money I have would have already been exhausted by now.
I hope that the people who are reading my GoFundMe are genuinely kind people...unlike the many cruel, unkind, and terrible people I have unfortunately had to experience in real life my entire life.
I sincerely hope that my GoFundMe is successful so I can rebuild or create a life for myself. I truly need it to be successful so I can have a place to call home. The first thing I would use any donations for is to obtain a stable place to live and call home. Only once I have a stable and secure place to live can I begin to build a life for myself. The second thing I would use donations for would either be to hopefully apply and get accepted at a good university and get a degree in something useful like pharmacology or a science. I might consider a foreign language lessons as a third thing despite the fact that it would be extremely challenging for me to learn a foreign language when factoring in my speech impediment and social anxiety. If I could learn a foreign language then it would either be Russian, Italian, or Bulgarian as the foreign language. If I do not get accepted into a degree program at a university, then I would definitely enroll in foreign language lessons. I would also hopefully start a small business so I could use my business degree to become self-employed and create my own employment. I have always been too poor to start my own business without help.
I know I am putting a lot of my personal information and my personal life story onto the internet. I know it will stay on the internet forever for everyone in the world to read. I wouldn't be doing this GoFundMe or sharing my very personal information if it wasn't absolutely necessary. I know it is absolutely necessary because I am appealing to people who are complete strangers who have never met me or know me to donate to my GoFundMe campaign. I know that other people need to understand me, understand my life, and understand why my GoFundMe campaign is important to me. I have nothing to lose by sharing my personal life story. I never had anything to lose and the things I did have, I already lost them. I have already been judged, rejected, and marginalized so by sharing my personal information there is nothing more negative or terrible that anyone could say or do that at this point that hasn't already been done to me.
I will be eternally grateful for any donations. I will always remember each donation as a true act of kindness by people in America and anywhere else in the world who were kind enough and caring enough to help me rebuild my life or to be more accurate, help me build my life since I really am starting from nothing and I never had a life to begin with. Existence is not a life and I have only ever had an existence. I have never had a life because I have never truly lived like most of humanity since I was deprived of the things that give people their humanity. I have always been deprived of all the opportunities that allow people the ability to live and I mean truly live a life. I was never provided a single chance to have a successful life in America.
My crowdfund campaign is my last hope to avoid an unfortunate destiny and it is my last hope to change my future. I am asking people in the United States and across the world for help. Please help me to change my future and please help me to change my destiny. Please help me to have both a life and a home. I have no one else left to turn to for help except the people I have never met who are or might read my story on GoFundMe.
Whether you choose to donate or not, I hope you read the following quotes and try to live your life by them to make the world a better place for people so no one else experiences what I have experienced all throughout my life in America. If you are not American, you can also make your own societies better places for everyone if you try to live your life by these quotes. I hope no one else in the world has to experience all the suffering, torment, and marginalization that I have endured all throughout my life in America.
“Whenever you are about to find fault with someone, ask yourself the following question: What fault of mine most nearly resembles the one I am about to criticize?”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. "
"Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you. "
"You never know when a helping hand will change another person's entire life."
"The happiest people I've ever met, regardless of their profession, their social standing, or their economic status, are people that are fully engaged in the world around them. The most fulfilled people are the ones who get up every morning and stand for something larger than themselves. They are the people who care about others, who will extend a helping hand to someone in need or will speak up about an injustice when they see it. "
"The true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members."
“A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.”
“If we fail to look after others when they need help, who will look after us?”
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