I.. i need help..

I.. i need help..

From Riccard Enarsson

Just like the title states...  I suppose with an introduction? You can call me Ricky, I'm a to be 27 years old man without a job, medicated with antipsychotics for chronic PTSD and heavy anxiety and other.

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Continuing from the title, on top of precondition conditions, namely ADHD, Asbergers, GAD & OCD (Somatic, Physical & Pure O).

Im in dire straits and in need of economical aid, failed by society... Here's my story.

Due to my horrid mental state, I have been deemed incapable of work for a  long time and as such, I live on minimal welfare, and lately, with all the trouble surrounding welfare in Sweden, it's been a battle just staying afloat.

With my, PTSD diagnosed only roughly 2 and a half years ago' im still struggling to cope with it on an everyday basis, dreadful anxiety and daily panic attacks, well, not so many panic attacks any more thanks to the anti-psychotics, plenty of side-effects tho, as with most medicine...

What caused my PTSD?.. I truly don't like talking about it, but, i suppose I should, considering im already baring most of my inner thoughts here.

In short, prior to 2019 03 16, I was in a happy relationship with my life partner at the time. Sure, we didn't have a perfect life, but then really, who does?. We both had our mental issues, mine stated above, and her demons... well, she didn't have any diagnoses on paper, but that's mainly due to her never bothering to get herself diagnosed, she saw it as a waste of time, she already knew her flaws, her words. But in short, she had a compulsive dependency on receiving approval from others or her self-esteem would plummet to a point where her EGO was null, this went as far as sleeping with strangers in order for them to like her, and yes, I still stayed with her, ain't easy dealing with mental disorders, I should know... Sadly, the ones she wanted the approval of, her parents, rarely gave it to her, and as such, it kept growing. From anxiety to depression, whispers to screaming, until one day, she couldn't take it anymore and hanged herself in the room next to where I was sitting, obvious to what was happening in one room over, only to find out half an hour later (she was studying, or so I thought and wanted to be left alone rough day..)... Despite others telling me not to, I still feel like it's my fault that she died, that I should've been there, that I should've noticed it...

My two closes friends, one of them being my first childhood friend passed away the next year, one to heart failure and another to suicide as well, i broke thrice in two years, and im still picking up the pieces.

... But I digress... onto my economical situation's why's... My failed ass did not even graduate from high school due to chronic anxiety that let me wound up at a psych ward 3 times in 2 years as well as the conditions mentioned above, except for my PTSD, which arrived later in life...

So despite a horrid mental and economical situation, I am unable to stabilize my economy by finding work (no one will hire an uneducated mess), proper economical aid (With the Wellfare in Sweden being with it is right now) nor help from my family, as they not faring well either' due to other circumstances.

Forget new clothing, utilities, or anything that's not a necessity for living, improving my mental health through those means is just an impossibility right now, heck, after paying my bills' & medicine' my food budget takes up more than a third of what's left of my monthly welfare aid...

Truthfully, I don't really believe that this is going to lead somewhere... and with me being raised the way I am' i truly hate personally asking for help (not others asking for help, just ME asking for help) as it leaves me feeling..crippled..well, more crippled then what I actually am. 

So why did I post this here?.. I don't know, to vent about my crappy situation, my annoyingly sad life story, find some reconciliation in the thought that someone out there might feel bad for me? I really don't know...

Well... I suppose that's everything, im really not sure what else to say... Any economical help of any kind would be dearly appreciated, even a single bill would help towards putting food on the table and keeping my apartment warm. 

Oh and.. thank you for reaching this far in my post, at least that means one more person is aware of my existence in this grey world.

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