Help Me Get to Washington

Hello, my name is Okeanos and I'm making this fundraiser as sort of a last ditch effort to keep myself alive.

TW: serious suicidal ideation

I have very severe complex ptsd from child abuse that makes it extremely difficult for me to work and all of my interpersonal relationships seem to be failing. I already didn't really have many friends and only have one aunt that I speak to still. I go into really severe emotional flashbacks and went into one over the Thanksgiving holiday that was really debilitating. I had just started to feel better and then my roommates triggered me into a really rageful state by being ableist and criticizing me for not being able to keep up with chores like they do. I tried to tell them I'm fine with cleaning I just need to be told about it and was told "we shouldn't have to ask" and then the one who also has ptsd brought up her condition, implying that she can do it so why can't I. I wound up yelling and cursing at them and even though I apologized once I was calmed down a bit, I woke up to a message saying they were kicking me out.

I don't have anywhere to go, I don't have any money, I can barely keep a job and I don't have the energy to be in another crisis. These past few years I've had to keep picking myself back up over and over and I'm just so tired. Knowing my shelter was being taken from me for how I acted in a flashback made me feel so powerless and hopeless. I decided being homeless, and likely having to lose my cats who have been my companions for 8 years, over this condition that I can't control and desperately wish I didn't have... it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I decided I wanted to check out permanently. And I found a lot of comfort in finally knowing all of my pain would be over soon.

I made a post to the subreddit r/cptsd about how I was feeling. I don't really know what my goal was. I think I was just in such a screaming inside my head moment that I just needed someone to hear me. Someone that wouldn't judge me or panic and try to get me institutionalized. Well there was an outpouring of support, and even so I still was very very ready to do it. I had a plan, and I did attempt, but it didn't work. I tried to overdose and give myself alcohol poisoning but woke up the next day anyway. I just felt frustrated and decided I would try again and refine my plan to make it fail proof. Plus I needed some time to prepare things and get rid of all my belongings. I spent a lot of time crying alone in my room, but I read some of the comments on my update post that really pushed me to just have another emergency appointment with my therapist. And then during that appointment we talked about how some people just go live off the grid and I made a joke about maybe I can just go camping permanently. One of the commenters told me I have to give myself a chance. Another said I should wait a few days and just give it some time. I still want to end things but I figure there's no rush on it now. I'd like to get out to Washington for a week or two and see how I feel afterwards.

When I was thinking about being homeless, I was just remembering all of the documentaries I've watched, and how the police will come and take what little things you have, and how you just get treated like a burden on society. Nobody has any compassion, and I didn't think I'd be able to survive that. Not when even getting basic necessities would be so difficult and having to lose my cats on top of it. Well then I thought, maybe I could just go camping. Maybe I can just go camping and bring my cats with me. Homeless doesn't sound so terrible being surrounded by nature, alone and away from everything, nobody there to take away my tent or look down on me. I'd like to go camping and maybe do some writing, maybe just game, maybe fish and cook my food out in the woods. I've never fished before. I think it might be rewarding. Plus I'd love to bring my cats out and let them experience nature too.

All of the donations would be going towards getting out to Washington (I live in Eastern PA), getting all the supplies and gear I need for me and the cats, and small stockpile of food for me and the cats. Anything that surpasses the goal will be put towards necessities or more camping supplies if I can't give it back.The reason I'm not asking for donations towards an apartment is because I've been struggling to work even 1-2 days a week and I don't know if I could even sustain paying rent if I even managed to find a place. I figure at least having a tent and some survival gear also gives me something to fall back on if something happens to my car, so I don't have to be completely without something over my head. I'll also gladly take any donated camping gear and any resources and programs to help out for people like me.

Thank you for reading my story and thank you if you donate.