Hi there, my name is Alexis and I'm not really sure where to start. To summarize, I'm trying to get my family back together and in desperate need of assistance. I'll start at the very beginning so please bear with me. I had just turned 17 and was looking for full-time employment. My mother's health had started to rapidly decline. Her ovarian cancer relapsed along with numerous back problems. (pinched nerve, bulging disc, herniated disc) She was is constant pain and took more pain killers than necessary to compensate. She was in distress and everyone she reached out to left her high and dry. That made me angry since my mother was always helping others. Giving friends a place to stay, buying their children's school supplies because they couldn't. I was proud to have such an amazing mother so when I saw her in destressed, I didn't hesitate to take control. I volunteered to take over the finances. She was against it at first, but I convinced her otherwise. I told her I would have no problem working full time and finishing school, and it would only be long enough for her to get back on her feet. We figured a year tops. I applied everywhere, I didn't care what I was doing as long as a paycheck was coming in. Interview after interview, I didn't think I'd be able to find anything but then I got a call from Sherika. A dishwasher position at a diner attached to a car dealership. The pay and hours were exactly what I was looking for, I could finally help my family. I worked during the day and completed my school work in the evening. I didn't expect how hard managing a job and school would be. The work was stressful and by the time I got home, the teachers were no longer online so I had to figure everything out on my own. I had no time to see my friends or do anything that my peers were doing, it was overwhelming. But I just had to keep going for a year while my mom received treatment, then everything would go back to normal. I don't know how but I graduated and received my diploma summer of 2015. By this time, it had been a whole year and not much had changed except that I now had a diploma. My mother was still sick and waiting to be approved for surgery. At the same time, my younger brother's behavior was becoming erratic. He was stealing, fighting, destroying private property, we were evicted out of 3 homes because of his actions. My mother was constantly being called and the police would show up at our door none stop. My mom tried everything she could but nothing was working to correct his behavior, and the doctors just brushed it off as puberty. It wasn't until 2 years later when he stabbed a man that he was evaluated. He has officially been diagnosed with schizophrenia, and I can't help but wonder how easier things would have been if he received the help he needed earlier. Meanwhile, I was struggling to keep it together, I wasn't prepared to handle everything on my own. The bills kept growing, and anytime I had extra money, an unexpected expense would pop up. (medical fees, car issues, restitution) I couldn't keep up and panic attacks were happening daily, I started to become frustrated. My mother was just sitting at home either waiting for an appointment or for results. She would just waste her day in front of the tv with a pack of smokes and pop pain pills.The house would be a mess and after working all day, I just didn't want to deal with any of it. We would argue all the time, usually about money. I grew angrier each day that passed, I felt like her personal ATM and maid. Our relationship became strained, we only communicated through text and a heated arguments would ensue whenever money was brought up. I resented my mother for just sitting there while I struggled to keep us afloat. Now I can see how depressed she was. (Being cooped up in the house all day, dealing with my brother, doctor visits nonstop with no progress.) She was lonely and I was annoyed every time I came home. I blamed her when I should have been there to support her, one of my biggest regrets to this day. Another year went by and I wasn't sure how much longer I could take it, I wanted to end my life. Just when I thought there was no hope left, she was finally approved for surgery. Her recovery was quick and as soon as I got the opportunity I was out of there. I didn't even utter a single word to her, I walked out and never looked back. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in 4 years. I could finally live my life, go to school, date, party, everything I missed out on. I felt really good for a few months and then I started to notice something weird about myself. I didn't enjoy anything that I used to like. Video games, painting, and baking were now tiresome. I couldn't fully complete anything and just thought that I had outgrown these hobbies. after all, It had been years since I'd been able to do any of these things. I thought I hadn't found my passion yet. I tried dating but noticed that I had a hard time in social situations. I didn't know how to talk to my peers anymore. I was a social butterfly in high school but now there was this crippling anxiety whenever I walked into a room full of people. I was confused and then quickly became frustrated with myself. I was supposed to be happy but didn't even know who the girl in the mirror was anymore. What happened to me? The panic attacks started back up, worse than ever. My digestive system went into complete chaos, horrible acne for the first time in my 20's and severe anxiety that I had to take Xanax daily for (prescribed by my doctor.) I struggled to make it through the day, and then my brother contacted me informing me that our mother started using meth. And that completely destroyed me, I felt so guilty. If I had just hung in there longer and supported her the way she needed, then maybe she wouldn't have gone that far. I didn't want to get out of bed and tried to sleep as much as I could so I didn't have to think about it. But after 3 days, I couldn't force my mind unconscious anymore. I tried overdosing on my prescription medication but woke up two days later covered in vomit, confused but alive. I didn't have enough medication for a second attempt and honestly didn't want to bother with finding a different method. I never really addressed that issue, just cleaned everything up and kept it pushing.
Even though I wasn't happy, that dreadful pain in my soul wasn't there anymore. I don't feel anything anymore. Nothing makes me happy and I've tried everything I could think of. Therapy, medication, exercise, veganism, meditation. Don't get me wrong I feel better but I don't feel any emotion. At first, I thought it was better this way, but its been a year since then and I find myself wondering why I'm here. I'm in debt and can't afford my living expenses. I don't have a family, passion or purpose. I'm once again, frustrated with myself. I don't want to die but I also don't have to will to live. So here I am, contemplating ending my life for the third time. And all I can think about is how much I miss my family. Eating dinner in front of the tv, spending time together and playing games. I was angry at them for so long and now I'm riddled with regret for shutting them out. I don't even have a single photo with the three of us together. I looked my mom up on facebook, expecting there to be a post from others about her passing but she's still alive. I'm honestly surprised she hadn't overdosed and feel like I have a second chance. I don't know what to say to make everything better. She's in Indiana with my brother and isn't in a good situation. I want to get an apartment and have them fly out here to live with me again. I want to do better this time, be a family but I don't know what to do. I don't have any money or a way to support them. I also don't know if she's still using and if so, how to get affordable treatment but I want to try. I'm not sure if you made it this far or what I'm expecting contacting you. You have enough problems on your plate without some weird girl asking you for assistance. But I have to put my shame aside and ask for help because I don't know what else to do. All I want for Christmas is my family.
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