Help for a Struggler

Help for a Struggler

From Chadwick Blackard

Entire life has been sad, and bittersweet at best, in debt of $35k from medical bills and desperately need help to take care of family. I've sacrificed so much to keep our heads above water and those in need.

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Update #1

6 months ago

I've been dealing with the same problems that have compounded since my childhood. I was the typical dork getting picked on in elementary school never really having friends as it was impossible to get to know other kids while moving (military kid). The one time I did was only a few months before we'd move to another new base and it was such a bittersweet moment of finally feeling like I belong to just be ripped away. At home my father was an alcoholic abusive POS both mentally ridiculing me at every turn and manhandling me whenever he pleased. This affected my drive and motivation in school so in 2nd grade I was held back for missing 2 of 4 questions. It wasn't until we moved and in 5th grade did, I get glimmers of hope, upon entering the school I was bumped up into 6th because how large my growth spurts had been and I wouldn’t fit into the new schools 5th grade curriculum. With a new school came new bullies, however this time I was as big or bigger than my would-be bullies. After a few months of harassment I verbally stood up to the leader of the bullies in front of my class and put him in his place, full on embarrassed his ass. As I walked away he ran up behind and pushed me over, as I turned around with a new feeling of real rage I never had before but before I could do anything with it, the Principle having witnessed me get attacked ended with my win. Fast forward and I stopped having bullies but no real friends yet. Get into middle school, find new bullies, stand up for myself, rinse and repeat. Nearly through the whole year and I meet another outcast who introduces me to a group who would become my first friends. I once again felt like I belonged. Following my life’s trend it was quickly made bitter sweet as my parents would begin a LONG process of ugly divorce. This is the time I learned not all dads ridicule or beat their kids, I found out that my dad had been cheating on my mom with his subordinates (so women id met at different times were all his whores, woman that had been in my house) my dad would start to play mind games, it wasn't great. This is also the time that I learned what autistic was, I knew my baby brother had it but I didn't know what it meant until I noticed he didn't do what normal kids did at his age, and with the divorce my mom couldn’t be in the house until after 10pm as that was my dads time, and my dad never being home except to introduce me to "new mom" of the week, I became my baby brothers parent. I love my brother, but I can't lie, I didn't know how to be an adult at 12. (also have a middle brother but he's the typical annoying little bro) So I did the best I could to take care of us 3. Cooked dinners, tried to do homework, and clean. This is when I learned depression. My home life was my escape from bullies at school, and my school life was my escape from my home life. I never found a good balance and I contemplated suicide so many times, I just wanted an escape from it all. 2-3 year of this passed by and my mom took my brothers and I away from my dad. Bittersweet again, I was now leaving my first real friends people who were so much like myself, and were the only reason I didn't end it, had it not been for them my story would have ended... We all moved into my Grandmas house on the other side of the country hindsight it was nice to have a house to live in, but it was in the middle a long term renovation so we slept on sheets on concrete floors for years... now in high school the process would begin again bullies and whatnot, but this time my depression was overshadowed by rage. I wanted a fight, I wanted to end a mother fucker, I wanted to put my years of hate into someone else's face. I never got that chance, after this initial harassment of being the new kid and throwing a would-be bully into a trash can, no one messed with me I hit 6ft before freshman year and was placed in weight training instead of P.E because I was "to god damn big not to lift weights". That coach in weight room put me on a good path. I wouldn't have real friends again till Junior year, and I’m lucky to say I still have that same group as friends to this day. 7 of us, brothers. During high school though my dad never left us alone. Many court ordered visitations and therapy would happen and all the while my mom had become anxiety ridden and fearful that at any moment we would be taken away and she couldn’t protect us. Which wasn’t far off my dad was a master at manipulation having at one point turned her whole family against her. Dad tried to force us to love his new wife “our new mother” that never happened but she was just as evil as he was. I’d pick up a part time job to help pay bills and lawyer fees when I was 15. Fast forward to graduation, I end with a 3.8 GPA honor roll and business academy + scholarships to a community college. High School was a peak for me far as happiness goes. It has been a slow slow burn back down to depression since. The day after graduation my brother were court ordered to see my dad at his place for the first time (all the others were in our area) a month goes by with no contact and when mom and I go to pick them up they both had been starved each lost 20-40 pounds and were heavily traumatized. My middle brother become a gay furry with all kinds of issues, my baby brother had mentally regressed to the point of a 4-year-old. (before the visitation he was using the bathroom on his own and really making strides to being functional) it took many years to get his back to his normal but too this day still can’t use the bathroom like he use to, my middle brother said my dad and his wife would lock my baby brother in the bathroom with the lights off till he made a BM. 4 years later after many court battles we would finally be rid of my dad. All the while I tried my best in college and full time working. In college I’d learn what I wanted to do with my life with a college club a friend and I made, (Gaming/esports/tabletop club) I’d turn that into a business later and host events at local comic-cons and casinos. I’d also find the love of my life and Girlfriend of 8 years now. This is where the good stops and the struggle begins again. Grandma tripped one day and being the only financially stable person, I took care of the medical bills. 9 months later and grandma would trip again, and this time I had to use credit cards to pay for everything from bills to food. I racked up $40,000 in debt trying to keep our heads above water. Years later of making minimum payments I would get an opportunity in 2019 to work in the oil field and really make some money to pay everything off. So, I left grandma’s took my GF and went to the far frozen north to work my ass off and try to make a living. 1 year later almost exactly I was laid off due to Covid-19 and have been on unemployment since making early enough to stay in my apartment. I still pay for bills for my mom, baby-brother (21 now), and grandma. This month I had my first break down since middle school where I contemplated dark thoughts again, I have been feeling so hopeless, so lost, and just so burnt. I have spent almost all the energy I have left to keep going. I really need help. If I could just get rid of the debts, I could last focus on everything else that has gone wrong and get a break from the constant stress of not knowing if I’m going to make bills or keep my family above water. I don’t know what 2021 will bring, but I hope someone could help me. My struggle is wearing me down to nothing.

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Chadwick Blackard posted a new update:
6 months ago

Update #1

I've been dealing with the same problems that have compounded since my childhood. I was the typical dork getting picked on in elementary school never really having friends as it was impossible to get to know other kids while moving (military kid). The one time I did was only a few months before we'd move to another new base and it was such a bittersweet moment of finally feeling like I belong to just be ripped away. At home my father was an alcoholic abusive POS both mentally ridiculing me at every turn and manhandling me whenever he pleased. This affected my drive and motivation in school so in 2nd grade I was held back for missing 2 of 4 questions. It wasn't until we moved and in 5th grade did, I get glimmers of hope, upon entering the school I was bumped up into 6th because how large my growth spurts had been and I wouldn’t fit into the new schools 5th grade curriculum. With a new school came new bullies, however this time I was as big or bigger than my would-be bullies. After a few months of harassment I verbally stood up to the leader of the bullies in front of my class and put him in his place, full on embarrassed his ass. As I walked away he ran up behind and pushed me over, as I turned around with a new feeling of real rage I never had before but before I could do anything with it, the Principle having witnessed me get attacked ended with my win. Fast forward and I stopped having bullies but no real friends yet. Get into middle school, find new bullies, stand up for myself, rinse and repeat. Nearly through the whole year and I meet another outcast who introduces me to a group who would become my first friends. I once again felt like I belonged. Following my life’s trend it was quickly made bitter sweet as my parents would begin a LONG process of ugly divorce. This is the time I learned not all dads ridicule or beat their kids, I found out that my dad had been cheating on my mom with his subordinates (so women id met at different times were all his whores, woman that had been in my house) my dad would start to play mind games, it wasn't great. This is also the time that I learned what autistic was, I knew my baby brother had it but I didn't know what it meant until I noticed he didn't do what normal kids did at his age, and with the divorce my mom couldn’t be in the house until after 10pm as that was my dads time, and my dad never being home except to introduce me to "new mom" of the week, I became my baby brothers parent. I love my brother, but I can't lie, I didn't know how to be an adult at 12. (also have a middle brother but he's the typical annoying little bro) So I did the best I could to take care of us 3. Cooked dinners, tried to do homework, and clean. This is when I learned depression. My home life was my escape from bullies at school, and my school life was my escape from my home life. I never found a good balance and I contemplated suicide so many times, I just wanted an escape from it all. 2-3 year of this passed by and my mom took my brothers and I away from my dad. Bittersweet again, I was now leaving my first real friends people who were so much like myself, and were the only reason I didn't end it, had it not been for them my story would have ended... We all moved into my Grandmas house on the other side of the country hindsight it was nice to have a house to live in, but it was in the middle a long term renovation so we slept on sheets on concrete floors for years... now in high school the process would begin again bullies and whatnot, but this time my depression was overshadowed by rage. I wanted a fight, I wanted to end a mother fucker, I wanted to put my years of hate into someone else's face. I never got that chance, after this initial harassment of being the new kid and throwing a would-be bully into a trash can, no one messed with me I hit 6ft before freshman year and was placed in weight training instead of P.E because I was "to god damn big not to lift weights". That coach in weight room put me on a good path. I wouldn't have real friends again till Junior year, and I’m lucky to say I still have that same group as friends to this day. 7 of us, brothers. During high school though my dad never left us alone. Many court ordered visitations and therapy would happen and all the while my mom had become anxiety ridden and fearful that at any moment we would be taken away and she couldn’t protect us. Which wasn’t far off my dad was a master at manipulation having at one point turned her whole family against her. Dad tried to force us to love his new wife “our new mother” that never happened but she was just as evil as he was. I’d pick up a part time job to help pay bills and lawyer fees when I was 15. Fast forward to graduation, I end with a 3.8 GPA honor roll and business academy + scholarships to a community college. High School was a peak for me far as happiness goes. It has been a slow slow burn back down to depression since. The day after graduation my brother were court ordered to see my dad at his place for the first time (all the others were in our area) a month goes by with no contact and when mom and I go to pick them up they both had been starved each lost 20-40 pounds and were heavily traumatized. My middle brother become a gay furry with all kinds of issues, my baby brother had mentally regressed to the point of a 4-year-old. (before the visitation he was using the bathroom on his own and really making strides to being functional) it took many years to get his back to his normal but too this day still can’t use the bathroom like he use to, my middle brother said my dad and his wife would lock my baby brother in the bathroom with the lights off till he made a BM. 4 years later after many court battles we would finally be rid of my dad. All the while I tried my best in college and full time working. In college I’d learn what I wanted to do with my life with a college club a friend and I made, (Gaming/esports/tabletop club) I’d turn that into a business later and host events at local comic-cons and casinos. I’d also find the love of my life and Girlfriend of 8 years now. This is where the good stops and the struggle begins again. Grandma tripped one day and being the only financially stable person, I took care of the medical bills. 9 months later and grandma would trip again, and this time I had to use credit cards to pay for everything from bills to food. I racked up $40,000 in debt trying to keep our heads above water. Years later of making minimum payments I would get an opportunity in 2019 to work in the oil field and really make some money to pay everything off. So, I left grandma’s took my GF and went to the far frozen north to work my ass off and try to make a living. 1 year later almost exactly I was laid off due to Covid-19 and have been on unemployment since making early enough to stay in my apartment. I still pay for bills for my mom, baby-brother (21 now), and grandma. This month I had my first break down since middle school where I contemplated dark thoughts again, I have been feeling so hopeless, so lost, and just so burnt. I have spent almost all the energy I have left to keep going. I really need help. If I could just get rid of the debts, I could last focus on everything else that has gone wrong and get a break from the constant stress of not knowing if I’m going to make bills or keep my family above water. I don’t know what 2021 will bring, but I hope someone could help me. My struggle is wearing me down to nothing.

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