LoVeCONQUERShate

LoVeCONQUERShate

From Bianca Star

To Survive Overall ♡ Noone exists for me that I can ask for help.. I live to make a difference (Disabled even).. but now noone's alive to help me, I am going to lose everything again.

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MY IMMEDIATE ISSUES:

Fix My Car That Just Died On Me Today

Fix My Roof destroyed by Hurricane Irma

Fix My Home, Driveway & Yard (I believe my home is starting to sink

Replace My Tub so I am able to sit and not go numb from disabity..

MY WANTS FOR SOME DEFINITION OF LIFE

GETTING MY SEPTIC REMOVED THAT WAS NOT INSTALLED PROPERLY, PLACING CITY SEWER

GETTING SOME SORT OF SMALL POOL OR HOT TUB THAT I CAN MANAGE BEING DISABLED

TO HELP ME GET EXERCISE AND POSSIBLY HELP ME IN THE PAIN I SUFFER FROM DAILY THAT DISABLED ME WITH 2 BOTCHED SPINE FUSIONS FROM AN INCOMPETENT DOCTOR. <MY ISSUES ARE CHRONIC NEUROPATHY/PAIN, MAJOR DEPRESSION/ANXIETY, FIBROMYALGIA, PTSD, ADD, INSOMNIA & HASHIMOTO'S AUTOIMMUNE DISORDER.>

I AM UNABLE TO WORK BECAUSE ON SOME DAYS I CAN NOT MOVE FROM MY BED EVERYTHING HURTS SO MUCH, ESPECIALLY ON DAYS IT RAINS.

FROM LOSING SO MANY FAMILY MEMBERS BACK TO BACK, MY EMOTIONS ARE DEPLETED

Some say depression is not real, it's all in your head.. I disagree.  Mine began really before my birth on New Year's Eve 1978, but mentally for me it began in March of 1984, when my grandfather had a heart attack while on the phone with a bank at an Oldsmobile dealer in New Orleans, the kids including me who for some reason called home fake sick from Kindergarten that day. 

My grandfather was my mother's heart, I do not know how accurate I am but I believe we left in the middle of the night, moving from Caernarvon Louisiana to I believe Portsmouth, Ohio. A year later my great grandfather was found dead and then my other grandfather was cleaning guns with uncles after a hunting trip, they were empty.. only they weren't, a gun went off killing my little cousin in his 7th or 8th birthday, following this my Aunt took her life by gun as well.  Throughout my life we bounced all over the place in 3 or 4 different states, I was never in 1 school for a full year, always at least 2.. I tried to adapt to this and find my way, my brother had harder times, I believe he quit school in his 7th or 8th grade year, he turned 20 on July 31, 2001, on August 1, 2001 my brother hung himself.  My mom in many ways died that day, but the grief I also endured from a boy I raised alot of his life as well as he was my only constant of my entire life was gone forever.  

I stayed in a very depressed state for a very long time, I tried to go through St. Bernard parish to get help and therapy, but they denied me and said I had no need.. so I never tried again. My depression was forced elsewhere in 2005, after struggling to raise my GPA from a 1.3 because I did not know you were supposed to drop classes, I brought it over a 3.5 and graduated May/June 2005, my plan was to finish my degree at Tulane.. but in August of 2005, mother nature had other plans, at noon the day before the storm we started a drive to Saint Augustine, Florida racing away from Hurricane Katrina.

My adoptive father lived in Saint Augustine, I had never really asked him for anything before and he had said before we were welcome.  Katrina and then Hurricane Rita changed my life forever, I lost everything in the storm, had 2 outfits, my cat and my car.  I had to start over and my college was placed on hold, working my ass off for $10 @ hr, in 2010 I finally bought my home. 

I have endured damage for Hurricane Irma & Matthew but I have no way to fix it, in 2008 I had an accident throughout 2014 I went through 8 or 9 surgeries.. 2 of which were spinal fusions, the doctor knew there was a problem after the 1st one (I learned in surgical notes) he said nothing to me and did not listen to me about how the pain has intensified.. the graft he inserted was pinching my left nerve root for 10 months, he redid the surgery removing my organs and I have never been better.

I had to file for disability, which was denied and forced me to appeal and see a disability judge at a hearing, finally done in 2018. In January 2015 I learned my grandmother had Stage 4 Lung Cancer, she died in June 2015, in July my friend killed himself, I learned days before the anniversary of my brother's death.. this death broke me, I was reliving my brother's death all over again. I begged my general practitioner to send me to a therapist my thoughts were in a very bad place.. after weeks I gave up on him.

I had a mental breakdown and called my insurance company, I found a Psychiatrist who could not see me for 3 weeks, and a therapist specializing in EMDR, I started on October 1st, 2015.  In the beginning you get prepared for what to expect, my first 2 sessions we focused on my brother and it was the first time I had ever found some sort of peace in his death. We then started on my grandma, for the next 2 sessions, on October 28th we went into my grandfather and it was an odd session, in which I cannot explain.  On October 30th at 1pm I got a phone call from a Mississippi coroner telling me my mother was found dead, she died the night of October 28th. Since then I have had multiple more loved ones, acquaintances, friends die, I am overwhelmed by death and suicide.

I was trying to find a lawyer prior to this news after learning my doctor knew there was a problem and didn't tell me, but I was close to Statutes of Limitations, my mother dying ruined that chance. 

Mentally I am overwhelmed I got my mom's car and home in Mississippi, for awhile I could not let go now I need to let it go, but I cannot afford to fix it before selling it, and have stuff I need to relocate to my home in Florida, being disabled I cannot get back and forth.

Then last June I learned I was the victim of fraud and identity theft on all financial accounts saved in Google ongoing since 2016, which has now ruined my credit and still has me trying to dispute with banks while battling suicidal thoughts at times.. it is a bad combination.

However now I live on Social Security and I am 41, I cannot finish my degree or have a career my spine is damaged and I fall or go numb on the left side of my body, sometimes on the right now as well.  My family is dead, my adoptive father lives 3 blocks away and I have not heard from him since the day my mother was found. 

I was starting to force myself to drive along the beach once a week to leave the house, which cannot happen now today my car broke down and I have no idea what the hell I am going to do.  I got sick in February with Coronavirus I believe but I could not get tested.  My body still feels like hell, I cut my hair myself because I cannot brush it.  I cannot sleep at night because of an intruder when we were younger, and now my fence is broken from Hurricane damage leading into Enterprise Rent a Car.. that constantly freaks me out.

There are so many problems, now my mortgage I cannot refinance because of the Identity Theft and I am just tired, so very tired. I dream that if I have something to try to get exercise in that I can handle, it may help me not always have so much pain, but that's a dream there is so much else wrong, now with my car I cannot even force myself to leave the House.

I do not think this will work and I feel ashamed even trying, but I truly have no idea what to do or how much more I can take.  I am begging please for help, please please please

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